


I Just Want Your Texts in the Morning

by Dresupi, thestanceyg



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Avengers Tower, Developing Relationship, Epistolary, F/M, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Letters, Meet-Cute, Mutual Pining, Not Canon Compliant, Quality Friendships, Research as Innuendo, Sassy F.R.I.D.A.Y, Texting, Tony Stark being Tony Stark, canon does not spark joy, everybody lives in the tower, mutual idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26452405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dresupi/pseuds/Dresupi, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestanceyg/pseuds/thestanceyg
Summary: One misdirected email, two losers in love, three little words. It's quite the journey as Bruce and Darcy navigate from acquaintances to something more in this story told through emails, texts, and social media.AKAThe one with her emails
Relationships: Bruce Banner/Darcy Lewis
Comments: 51
Kudos: 105
Collections: Letters of Note





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dres: I was super psyched to work with Stancey on a collab (finally, right?) and this one came together SO QUICKLY OMG. I wrote Bruce's part, Tony's Part, and Pepper's Part. It was SO MUCH FUN I cannot even begin to tell you. So of course wanna thank Stancey for coming up with the initial idea and for being so awesome during all of this. Also wanna thank the mods over at the Darcyverse for coming up with this awesome event! <3 I hope y'all enjoy it!
> 
> Stancey: All I've ever wanted in life was to write with Dres and ya'll, dreams come true. All I want to do for the rest of my life is write flirty texts with Dres. I had so much fun writing Darcy, Jane, and Helen and imagining the world they live in. Many thanks to Dres for putting up with me while I hounded her about writing more and never wanting to stop. RIP to our Discord DMs with 8000 "done" messages as we typed this out. I hope you love this half as much as I do.

To: delewis@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Viral specimen

Dear Dr. Lewis,

I know we haven’t spoken in quite some time, but I was wondering if you would be interested in meeting with me to discuss that viral specimen you mentioned the last time we spoke. Anytime works for me, except for this upcoming Sunday. I am not free then. Unless that’s the only day that works for you. In which case, I can move some appointments.

I hope this email finds you well.

Sincerely,

Dr. Bruce Banner, Ph.D

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To: bbanner@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: RE: Viral specimen

Dear Dr. Bruce Banner, Ph.D,

If the viral specimen in question is related to the tiktok that was going around the slack account, I must ask how you got yourself an invite to the ladies only channel as well as your thoughts on whether or not the man in question is truly a “specimen.” I am free to have this discussion with you on Sunday, and would be more than happy to tag along for any and all appointments while we further dissect just what qualities define what is truly a specimen. (And then, of course, apply them to a test case, which I suggest be whether or not Dr. Bruce Banner, Ph.D is a specimen because I am very curious as to the answer.)

However, if this is not the case, you might be looking for dlewis instead of delewis. I’m having lunch with him today, so I can let him know if that’s necessary.

Most sincerely,

Darcy Lewis

Keeper of the Science

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To: delewis@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: RE: RE: Viral specimen

Ms. Lewis,

I really must apologize, I typed the email address instead of going through my address book, and I realize my mistake now. I really am extremely sorry.

I must confess, I’ve never even used the Slack account, but I was under the impression that they banned TikTok videos from being shared there, as per a company-wide memo that was sent to everyone, which I’m sure you received as well. Having said that, if you would like me to take a look at the so-called “specimen”, I’m not sure I would be any help in determining the validity of the subject’s specimen-status, but I am always willing to help if I can.

And to answer your question, yes, this was meant for Dr. Dan Lewis. I would be forever grateful if you would pass along my message to him, perhaps without mentioning my faux pas.

Thank you very much,

Dr. Bruce Banner

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To: bbanner@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Specimen Specificity

Dear Dr. Bruce Banner, Ph.D, Esq.,

No need to apologize. It happens all the time. Dan and I like to compare notes. Unfortunately for you, I will be unable to comply with your request to not tell him about the mixup as I already forwarded him the email, and, if I’m being honest, the best way the two of us know how to bond is to laugh at these mixups. Well, that and tequila.

Speaking of bonding, I would be very interested in doing some very scientific research with you about what makes a specimen and whether or not you qualify. Of course I read the memo but, 1) the esteemable Ms. Potts is in charge of our channel and I would love to see someone tell her what we can and cannot do there, and 2) the video in question is why that email was sent out. Or so I assume since the email came out the day after the Great Specimen Discussion (GSD). Since you have kindly agreed to discuss this with me, check out the attached video and get back to me about when and where we can have our very important science discussion adding to the GSD academic canon.

Yours in science,

Darcy Lewis

Poptart Gatekeeper

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To: delewis@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Specimen non grata

Ms. Lewis,

I had attempted to avoid your question in your last email, but I see I can’t do that any longer. I’m afraid, after seeing the attached TikTok, I can’t honestly claim specimen-ship for myself. I do not spend as much time as that gentleman does on the accentuation of my biceps nor my pectorals, and I do not have a puppy either. So, I fear you would be woefully disappointed if we were to meet in person with the express desire to determine whether or not I am indeed, a specimen. In fact, I’m certain you can look me up in the company directory and see that for yourself.

However, if you still wish to meet, I will clear my schedule on Sunday, if that still works for you. I know how important the GSD is to academia and I wouldn’t dream of slowing its ascent into the classical annals of learning.

Atomically combined,

Dr. Bruce Banner, FYI, I do have a doctorate, but I am not a lawyer

Perpetual seeker of Poptarts

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To: bbanner@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc: jfoster@starkindustries.com

Subject: Specimen TBD

Dear Dr. Bruce Banner, Ph.D, Esq., CPA,

I thought you were a scientist, but your last email appears to disprove that. You claim to not be a specimen yourself, but did not outline by what parameters you were making that decision. How can I test whether or not you are a specimen without knowing what I am testing on? Based on what you replied, I must assume that you were making your determination based on visible upper body muscles and young canine companions. I simply refuse to believe that you have no visible muscles on your upper body without visual proof. Additionally, the video is inconclusive about whether or not that puppy is his. We could easily put a puppy in your hands, which, while always compelling, seems to be a poor criteria since it is so easy to meet. Furthermore, I can’t say that I, personally, find this to be an exhaustive list. We absolutely must do more research before we can determine if you are or are not a specimen.

In your first email to Dan you mentioned you were busy on Sunday, but you could move things around if that was his only time available. While I am very interested in our science, I’m worried about interrupting your previously scheduled plans. Are they something I can join you on so we can continue this riveting discussion?

Also, did you tell me to look you up in the company directory because you already looked me up and were assuaging your own guilt? No shame. Just curious.

Periodically thinking about U,

Darcy Lewis

_Clint return my stapler right now you thieving bastard_

PS. What flavor Poptarts? I am the QUEEN of procurement.

* * *

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To: delewis@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Specimen Status: Unclear; Request for Assistance

Ms. Lewis,

I assure you, as evidenced by my Ph.D, I am indeed a scientist. However, my specialty isn’t in biology or anatomy, unless microbiology counts. I could tell you if a bacterium or a viral strain was indeed a specimen or not. However, I am not above asking for help in the areas where I am not well-versed. Seeing as you seem to be knowledgeable about this sort of specimen identification, I feel I must defer to your expertise.

As far as what I’m doing on Sunday, it's my only day out of the lab, and I have a Bikrim yoga class at two in the afternoon. You are, of course, allowed to accompany me to said class. My instructor accepts walk-ins, however, be forewarned, we are at an advanced level, or so I’m told. However, I usually go out for tea at a nearby coffee shop after the class ends. If advanced Bikrim isn’t your idea of a fun afternoon, you are more than welcome to accompany me there afterward. The class ends at 3:30 p.m.

In regards to the company directory, I confess I did look you up. You photograph much better than I do, I’m afraid. I have to warn you, (or explain, if you’ve already looked me up), I wasn’t surprised by the photographer, that’s just what my face looks like.

Periodically thinking about U? If I’m Uranium, you must be Iodine, because I see U and I together.

I’m sorry for the cheese,

Bruce Banner

* * *

To: bbanner@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: I, too, am flexible

Dear Dr. Specimen,

Since you’ve looked me up, you know that I don’t do the science, I just make sure it happens. However, I’m willing to make an exception for you. You, I’d rather like to do things with. Science included. As for my knowledge base about specimens, I know what I consider specimen worthy, but I need additional input to make a more scientific exploration. I’m curious what you’d put on your list when evaluating what is a specimen for you.

Days out of the lab are not something my boss seems familiar with. I swear to Thor that I spend more nights on the couch in here than I do in my own bed. Apparently “science knows no clock.” That said, I can make yoga work because I will just leave if I’m still here. I’m pretty stretchy, but I’m also very invested in finding out just how flexible you are. I think it will affect your specimen score. It’s certainly a factor I would include on my list, but I guess we can negotiate that. At tea. After I enjoy an hour and a half of watching you contort and sweat.

I don’t see why you think your face doesn’t look perfectly fine. I like it. I’ve already printed out your picture and framed it on my desk. I have a whole candy offering in front of it like you’re a specimen deity I’m hoping to be blessed by. At least three interns have looked at me strangely, but I think that’s more because I demand they tithe to my little altar if they piss me off. As for my picture, I actually don’t remember it being taken. I have a feeling that was one of those days where we had already astrally projected because we hadn’t slept for an unmeasurable number of days. But yes, my lipstick is always on point and never budges. Though I’m always willing to test that too.

I’ve got my ion you,

Darcy Lewis

Reigning Champion of Level 37 Poker Night

* * *

* * *

To: delewis@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: I think I owe you some Skittles

Ms. Lewis,

Firstly, I’d like to apologize on behalf of Tony, but I don’t know if that’s even possible anymore, the man does what he wants. I will replace your Skittles, though.

I may have overstated my flexibility, I’m starting to get scared now, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’m looking forward to Sunday, so maybe you can scare me some more. I’ve got the distinct feeling that I’m in over my head, but I’m nothing if not willing to learn.

I would definitely be willing to discuss different qualities I find in what I consider a ‘specimen’, although my previous paragraph probably gives most of that away.

I’ve not printed out your picture, I’d rather take one of you myself, with your express permission, of course. But I do greatly enjoy the thought of scaring interns into tithing their snacks, so please, carry on with your experiment. Although, I feel you might make a better deity in said experiment. I know you would certainly have no shortage of willing supplicants here.

In regards to your lipstick study, I would be happy to participate. Anything to further research in that field, really. I’ve not studied it myself, but I’m an admirer.

I know hundreds of pi digits, but what I’d really like to know are the seven digits in your phone number. (No really, can I text you?),

Bruce Banner

* * *

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* * *

To: bbanner@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: I Prefer Other Offerings

Dear Specimen Deity,

Earlier today my friend Helen came by and made an offering without even knowing why I had a shrine to you. Of course, I would never intimidate her. She’s a science sister. She and I are just on the same wavelength. She made her offering and asked questions later. Tony, the asshole, simply took from your altar. You don’t owe me because of him. He owes you. It’s yours. (And I guess mine too as I do sneak snacks from it. I hope you don’t mind.) I have a veritable mountain of candy sitting here waiting for you. What’s your pleasure? I’m sure I can provide, be it confectionary or other.

So you like being a little scared? I promise I don’t bite. Much. Unless you ask. But also, I don’t see how Sunday can be scary. I mean, you get to see me being flexible and sweaty just as much as I get to see you. Sounds win-win here. I promise that no matter what happens in yoga we will still get tea. If for nothing else than to discuss when we can start the lipstick study. I plan on doing so much science with you. I’ve had scientist friends before, but never one that seemed so invested in investigating the kinds of questions I’m interested in. I’m hoping we get along famously so we can do all sorts of science.

As for pictures and phone numbers, consider it done.

Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.

(I can be cheesy too)

Darcy

* * *

To: delewis@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: One of my degrees is in cheese

Darcy,

Is your friend Helen also Dr. Cho? Because if so, I have worked with her, she’s incredibly intelligent. And also funny.

You asked earlier what my idea of a specimen was. Women who scare me are high on that list. Scary is a relative term, however, and not necessarily a bad one. I’m curious, how would one go about asking to be bitten? I’m merely asking for research purposes only.

Also, how should I give you my number? I can’t imagine you want to exchange them over email.

You must have a high current, because I can’t seem to resist you,

Bruce

* * *

To: bbanner@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Can I call you professor, and will you teach me things?

Dr. Banner

Helen Cho IS my Helen. We clean up at poker night. I love nothing more than fleecing a sucker who thinks I can’t be good at cards because I have breasts and killer lipstick. It’s so fun to watch them realize they’ve lost. We’ve financed an entire winery tour for eight with just one night of winnings.

Bruce, all you have to do is ask politely. How else do you expect to get bitten? I must say, though, that the words “more” and “harder” and “right there” might be helpful as well.

Darcy

PS. Check your phone

* * *

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To: bbanner@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Let me count the ways

Darcy’s Specimen List

1\. Puts up with my flirting.

2\. Flirts back, but in the most adorably dorky way.

3\. Crazy smart. Brilliant, even.

4\. Fluffy hair that is perfect from running my fingers through.

5\. Kind to everyone.

6\. Excellent at research.

7\. So thoughtful it’s staggering.

8\. Kisses like a demon.

9\. Bendy in the best possible ways.

10\. Seems to like me.

11\. Brings me flowers.

12\. Torments Tony with me.

13\. Unfazed by my shrine.

14\. Watches true crime videos with me.

15\. Is a pretty decent pillow.

16\. Passes the Dorian Gray test.

* * *

To: delewis@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Demons? In my good, wholesome laboratory?

That’s quite a list you’ve got there. I wish you were here so I could kiss you like a “demon” again, but there’s all those pesky floors between us.

Unrelated, but would you like to come watch true crime videos at my place this evening? Or is it too soon after our date to want to have another one?

Bruce

* * *

* * *

* * *

To: starbridges@gmail.com, actuallyitsdr@gmail.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: So it happened

Ladies,

I might be a bit distracted at work the next several days as I now have excellent fantasy material based on real life experience to fill my mind. And if you think that sex is not something that should distract from work, you have not had it with one Dr. Bruce Banner. The dedication and attention to detail needed to get 7 PhDs all focused on you is….honestly, the stuff of legend.

Also, I’ll be late today. I am writing this from a desperately needed restorative bath. The Hulk is HUNG, ladies.

D

* * *

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* * *

To: tony@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Lay Off

Scrap Heap,

Heard you were razzing Bruce about me. Don’t you have anything better to do? Is your own personal life so boring you need to live vicariously through his?

D

* * *

To: jfoster@starkindustries.com, hcho@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Happy Dance

Did you see the flowers he sent me? Aren’t they the nicest?

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com, jfoster@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Smells like success

I can’t believe you got flowers for being a good lay. Kudos to you girl.

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com, hcho@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Ummm, friends?

Shouldn’t we be paying attention to this meeting?

* * *

To: jfoster@starakindustries.com, delewis@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: NO

Why would we listen to this bullshit? Seriously. I swear we only have these meetings so men can feel better about themselves. If I needed to call a meeting for something this stupid I’d consider myself a failure.

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Lay off? More like LAID off… wait, no yeah, I’m keeping that

Shrimp,

My own personal life is nunya, as would be yours if you and the Doc weren’t making googly eyes at each other from across the conference room and making the normally boring budget meeting into a morning-after-romcom-moment.

Seriously, y’all need to chill or HR is gonna be the next one emailing you.

On that note, you guys should probably tell HR. Just saying. As your boss and all.

Those “scraps”, as you so lovingly refer to my inventions, fund your paycheck so shut it.

-T

* * *

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: I sent it

Darcy,

I sent the threat to Tony. Seems like it might have worked? I don’t know though, he’s pretty ostentatious, it might just aggravate things.

P.S

You want to have lunch later?

Bruce

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com, jfoster@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Get a room

Hey Darce, you should maybe stop eye fucking your boyfriend across the room. It’s hot and all, and I definitely want to know more than the scant details in your email, but if I’ve noticed, you know others have.

* * *

To: tony@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc: bbanner@starkindustries.com

Subject: Sexual Harassment Much?

You know, it’s funny you say I should go to HR. Because while everyone seems to think I’m a bit of an airhead, I’ve actually got a good mind for rules because I like to circumvent them. There’s nothing like beating the patriarchy at its own game. And, as such, you better believe I’m aware of all the rules that relate to interoffice relationships. Bruce and I are not in a hierarchical position, and as such, there is no need for disclosure. He doesn’t have a wrangler. Remember that I asked you if he needed one, and you told me, “No. Bruce is above the law”? Anyway, what that means is that you’ve not only been harassing me by making comments about my sex life, but also you’re trying to get me to embarrass myself by announcing to a bunch of people that don’t know it that I’m sleeping with Dr. Banner. Which is a really strange thing for my boss to be doing.

Wanna rethink that email?

D

* * *

To: bbanner@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Absolutely

Lover,

Yes. I’m totally in for lunch if this ridiculous meeting ever comes to a close. Thanks for sending the text. That along with the email that I bcc’d you on should make him a little stir crazy.

D

PS By any chance did you find my underwear anywhere?

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Calm thyself, wench

Darcy Eleanora Elaine Evangaline Lewis: (Okay so I don’t know your middle name),

I’mma take a second here and back this up right on down the driveway so fast I’ll probably hit one of the garbage cans at the end of it, but it doesn’t matter because I’ve lost this metaphor.

Regardless. If you’ll recall our previous exchanges, textual and otherwise, I am fully in support of you and Brucey doing whatever you guys want to do. I applaud you, and encourage you, in fact.

Also, a few other points:

  1. You, an airhead? Are you fucking serious? Like, seriously, are you serious right now? Who’s calling you an airhead? Do I need to crack some skulls?
  2. I am hurt, nay--DEVASTATED to have been included in the patriarchy. Please list in detail what I can do to take my name off that list and I will gladly do all of the listed items in spades.
  3. I would never seriously tell you to go out yourself to HR. Have I ever cared what those nerds do in regards to my interpersonal relationships? Maybe that wasn’t the best way to phrase that question, but I digress, which brings me to
  4. I aM gOiNg To TyPe AlL mY sNaRkY eMaILs LiKe ThIs FrOm NoW oN sO yOu KnOw WhEn I aM kIdDiNg.



T

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To: tony@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Riiiight

If you want me to pretend you didn’t mean any of that, it will cost you. Here are my terms:

  1. You will help me secure time off for both Bruce and I at the same time.
  2. You will help me pick a suitable location to steal him away for a fully debauched weekend.
  3. You will not comment on said weekend.



I know #3 is a big ask for you, so here’s what I’m willing to offer in exchange for that little bit: I will provide you with 1 hour of no holds barred gossip session with me prior to our vacation

Deal?

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Deal

(see subject line)

Tony

* * *

To: science@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: STOP

Please quit emailing or texting or whatever each other and pay attention.

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To: science@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Re: STOP

No. This is another meeting that should have been an email. There’s literally no reason to pay attention.

Darcy

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To: science@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Re: Re: STOP

But I wanted to discuss the award I recently won.

Dr. Wesley Faber, PhD

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To: science@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Re: Re: Re: STOP

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To: science@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: STOP

Dr. Faber,

We’ve noticed that your budgets have inconsistencies of the past several months. They don’t match up with the records Miss Lewis has provided. Does the award you won have a monetary component? You might owe it to us based on your financials. Please see the head of accounting ASAP.

In fact, that goes for all of you. Check your budgets. Miss Lewis does a failsafe budget for each of you, and several of you have not been accurate when matched to hers. That’s literally the point of this meeting.

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To: science@starkindusties.com

Cc:

Bcc:

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: STOP

Congrats. You’ve effectively proven this meeting could have been an email.

Slow clap,

Darcy

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To: NOTasha@starkindustries.com

Cc: w31rdsc13nce@starkindustries.com, bombpop@starkindustries.com , mr.freeze@starkindustries.com, cawcawmf@starkindustries.com, ichooseu@starkindustries.com, starbridges@gmail.com, actuallyitsdr@gmail.com

Bcc:

Subject: I’m calling it

Yeah, so it’s definitely over. He got a SnapChat at her behest. He’s completely in for the long haul. I’ve never seen him voluntarily get a social media account before. So it’s time to PAY UP FOLKS.

That means Nat, you owe me a few scary-scares.

Buck, you owe Clint arrows. Whatever that means, I assume you will work that out amongst yourselves.

Dr. Strangelove, you owe the lovely Drs. Foster and Cho spa days

And Cap, you owe Thor… one silver dollar? Seriously? That was your bet?

Anyway, it’s officially over. I fully expect them to be shacking up within the year. If you guys are interested in opening up another pool, reply to this email with your offers.

Thanks, and have a good one

Tony

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just the text version of the previous chapter

To: delewis@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Viral specimen 

Dear Dr. Lewis, 

I know we haven’t spoken in quite some time, but I was wondering if you would be interested in meeting with me to discuss that viral specimen you mentioned the last time we spoke. Anytime works for me, except for this upcoming Sunday. I am not free then. Unless that’s the only day that works for you. In which case, I can move some appointments. 

I hope this email finds you well. 

Sincerely, 

Dr. Bruce Banner, Ph.D 

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To: bbanner@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: RE: Viral specimen 

Dear Dr. Bruce Banner, Ph.D, 

If the viral specimen in question is related to the tiktok that was going around the slack account, I must ask how you got yourself an invite to the ladies only channel as well as your thoughts on whether or not the man in question is truly a “specimen.” I am free to have this discussion with you on Sunday, and would be more than happy to tag along for any and all appointments while we further dissect just what qualities define what is truly a specimen. (And then, of course, apply them to a test case, which I suggest be whether or not Dr. Bruce Banner, Ph.D is a specimen because I am very curious as to the answer.) 

However, if this is not the case, you might be looking for dlewis instead of delewis. I’m having lunch with him today, so I can let him know if that’s necessary. 

Most sincerely, 

Darcy Lewis 

Keeper of the Science 

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To: delewis@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: RE: RE: Viral specimen 

Ms. Lewis, 

I really must apologize, I typed the email address instead of going through my address book, and I realize my mistake now. I really am extremely sorry. 

I must confess, I’ve never even used the Slack account, but I was under the impression that they banned TikTok videos from being shared there, as per a company-wide memo that was sent to everyone, which I’m sure you received as well. Having said that, if you would like me to take a look at the so-called “specimen”, I’m not sure I would be any help in determining the validity of the subject’s specimen-status, but I am always willing to help if I can. 

And to answer your question, yes, this was meant for Dr. Dan Lewis. I would be forever grateful if you would pass along my message to him, perhaps without mentioning my faux pas. 

Thank you very much, 

Dr. Bruce Banner 

* * *

To: bbanner@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Specimen Specificity 

Dear Dr. Bruce Banner, Ph.D, Esq., 

No need to apologize. It happens all the time. Dan and I like to compare notes. Unfortunately for you, I will be unable to comply with your request to not tell him about the mixup as I already forwarded him the email, and, if I’m being honest, the best way the two of us know how to bond is to laugh at these mixups. Well, that and tequila. 

Speaking of bonding, I would be very interested in doing some very scientific research with you about what makes a specimen and whether or not you qualify. Of course I read the memo but, 1) the esteemable Ms. Potts is in charge of our channel and I would love to see someone tell her what we can and cannot do there, and 2) the video in question is why that email was sent out. Or so I assume since the email came out the day after the Great Specimen Discussion (GSD). Since you have kindly agreed to discuss this with me, check out the attached video and get back to me about when and where we can have our very important science discussion adding to the GSD academic canon. 

Yours in science, 

Darcy Lewis 

Poptart Gatekeeper 

* * *

To: delewis@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Specimen non grata 

Ms. Lewis, 

I had attempted to avoid your question in your last email, but I see I can’t do that any longer. I’m afraid, after seeing the attached TikTok, I can’t honestly claim specimen-ship for myself. I do not spend as much time as that gentleman does on the accentuation of my biceps nor my pectorals, and I do not have a puppy either. So, I fear you would be woefully disappointed if we were to meet in person with the express desire to determine whether or not I am indeed, a specimen. In fact, I’m certain you can look me up in the company directory and see that for yourself. 

However, if you still wish to meet, I will clear my schedule on Sunday, if that still works for you. I know how important the GSD is to academia and I wouldn’t dream of slowing its ascent into the classical annals of learning. 

Atomically combined, 

Dr. Bruce Banner, FYI, I do have a doctorate, but I am not a lawyer 

Perpetual seeker of Poptarts 

* * *

Darcy: Jane! 

Darcy:OMG. I don’t care if you’re at a conference! Respond before I expire! 

Jane: Drama queen much? 

Darcy: I got another one of those emails for Dan. 

Darcy: So I sent my normal, snarky response. 

Jane: This is not news. 

Darcy: I’ll get there! Damn woman! 

Darcy: He replied! 

Darcy: And not just that! 

Darcy: He played along! 

Darcy: And he’s self-deprecating and SAID HE’D MOVE AN APPOINTMENT TO DO FAKE SCIENCE WITH ME. 

Jane: omg 

Darcy: I don’t know what to do. 

Jane: Reply 

Jane: Duh. 

Darcy: You are no help. 

Jane: And yet you love me. 

* * *

To: bbanner@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: jfoster@starkindustries.com 

Subject: Specimen TBD 

Dear Dr. Bruce Banner, Ph.D, Esq., CPA, 

I thought you were a scientist, but your last email appears to disprove that. You claim to not be a specimen yourself, but did not outline by what parameters you were making that decision. How can I test whether or not you are a specimen without knowing what I am testing on? Based on what you replied, I must assume that you were making your determination based on visible upper body muscles and young canine companions. I simply refuse to believe that you have no visible muscles on your upper body without visual proof. Additionally, the video is inconclusive about whether or not that puppy is his. We could easily put a puppy in your hands, which, while always compelling, seems to be a poor criteria since it is so easy to meet. Furthermore, I can’t say that I, personally, find this to be an exhaustive list. We absolutely must do more research before we can determine if you are or are not a specimen. 

In your first email to Dan you mentioned you were busy on Sunday, but you could move things around if that was his only time available. While I am very interested in our science, I’m worried about interrupting your previously scheduled plans. Are they something I can join you on so we can continue this riveting discussion? 

Also, did you tell me to look you up in the company directory because you already looked me up and were assuaging your own guilt? No shame. Just curious. 

Periodically thinking about U, 

Darcy Lewis 

_Clint return my stapler right now you thieving bastard_

PS. What flavor Poptarts? I am the QUEEN of procurement. 

* * *

Bruce: Tony, do you know Darcy Lewis? 

Tony: Ya she’s my scientist wrangler 

Tony: Why? 

Bruce: I think I might have engaged in a flirtatious conversation with her and I need to know if it’s appropriate. 

Tony: Darcy isn’t appropriate 

Bruce: Why not? Am I somehow her superior? 

Tony: No not that. I just meant Darcy herself isn’t appropriate. NSFW. No filter on that mouth. It was a joke. Haha, Doc? 

Bruce: Oh 

Bruce: Not funny 

Tony: Really? I happen to find me hilarious 

Bruce: I need advice 

Tony: Fresh outta that 

Tony: Can I interest you in a smart ass reply? 

Bruce: No thanks 

Tony: Wait. Bruce. 

Tony: She’s nice, okay? She’s good people 

Bruce: Ok. Yes. Thanks 

* * *

To: delewis@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Specimen Status: Unclear; Request for Assistance 

Ms. Lewis, 

I assure you, as evidenced by my Ph.D, I am indeed a scientist. However, my specialty isn’t in biology or anatomy, unless microbiology counts. I could tell you if a bacterium or a viral strain was indeed a specimen or not. However, I am not above asking for help in the areas where I am not well-versed. Seeing as you seem to be knowledgeable about this sort of specimen identification, I feel I must defer to your expertise. 

As far as what I’m doing on Sunday, it's my only day out of the lab, and I have a Bikrim yoga class at two in the afternoon. You are, of course, allowed to accompany me to said class. My instructor accepts walk-ins, however, be forewarned, we are at an advanced level, or so I’m told. However, I usually go out for tea at a nearby coffee shop after the class ends. If advanced Bikrim isn’t your idea of a fun afternoon, you are more than welcome to accompany me there afterward. The class ends at 3:30 p.m. 

In regards to the company directory, I confess I did look you up. You photograph much better than I do, I’m afraid. I have to warn you, (or explain, if you’ve already looked me up), I wasn’t surprised by the photographer, that’s just what my face looks like. 

Periodically thinking about U? If I’m Uranium, you must be Iodine, because I see U and I together. 

I’m sorry for the cheese, 

Bruce Banner 

* * *

To: bbanner@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: I, too, am flexible 

Dear Dr. Specimen, 

Since you’ve looked me up, you know that I don’t do the science, I just make sure it happens. However, I’m willing to make an exception for you. You, I’d rather like to do things with. Science included. As for my knowledge base about specimens, I know what I consider specimen worthy, but I need additional input to make a more scientific exploration. I’m curious what you’d put on your list when evaluating what is a specimen for you. 

Days out of the lab are not something my boss seems familiar with. I swear to Thor that I spend more nights on the couch in here than I do in my own bed. Apparently “science knows no clock.” That said, I can make yoga work because I will just leave if I’m still here. I’m pretty stretchy, but I’m also very invested in finding out just how flexible you are. I think it will affect your specimen score. It’s certainly a factor I would include on my list, but I guess we can negotiate that. At tea. After I enjoy an hour and a half of watching you contort and sweat. 

I don’t see why you think your face doesn’t look perfectly fine. I like it. I’ve already printed out your picture and framed it on my desk. I have a whole candy offering in front of it like you’re a specimen deity I’m hoping to be blessed by. At least three interns have looked at me strangely, but I think that’s more because I demand they tithe to my little altar if they piss me off. As for my picture, I actually don’t remember it being taken. I have a feeling that was one of those days where we had already astrally projected because we hadn’t slept for an unmeasurable number of days. But yes, my lipstick is always on point and never budges. Though I’m always willing to test that too. 

I’ve got my ion you, 

Darcy Lewis 

Reigning Champion of Level 37 Poker Night 

* * *

Tony: Yeah so she wasn’t lying. The altar’s here. Candy’s acceptable 

Bruce: I didn’t ask you to check 

Tony: You practically did 

Bruce: No. No, I didn’t. 

Tony: Well anyway, I’m coming back up. Your girlfriend’s really cute. 

Bruce: She’s not my girlfriend and I thought you already knew her 

Tony: Not as your girlfriend I don’t. Not to worry, I’ll alter my nouns accordingly when I discuss it. 

Bruce: You will not discuss this. 

Tony: What else am I supposed to talk about at the water cooler? 

Bruce: You don’t have a water cooler 

Tony: Figure of speech 

* * *

To: delewis@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: I think I owe you some Skittles 

Ms. Lewis, 

Firstly, I’d like to apologize on behalf of Tony, but I don’t know if that’s even possible anymore, the man does what he wants. I will replace your Skittles, though. 

I may have overstated my flexibility, I’m starting to get scared now, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’m looking forward to Sunday, so maybe you can scare me some more. I’ve got the distinct feeling that I’m in over my head, but I’m nothing if not willing to learn. 

I would definitely be willing to discuss different qualities I find in what I consider a ‘specimen’, although my previous paragraph probably gives most of that away. 

I’ve not printed out your picture, I’d rather take one of you myself, with your express permission, of course. But I do greatly enjoy the thought of scaring interns into tithing their snacks, so please, carry on with your experiment. Although, I feel you might make a better deity in said experiment. I know you would certainly have no shortage of willing supplicants here. 

In regards to your lipstick study, I would be happy to participate. Anything to further research in that field, really. I’ve not studied it myself, but I’m an admirer. 

I know hundreds of pi digits, but what I’d really like to know are the seven digits in your phone number. (No really, can I text you?), 

Bruce Banner 

* * *

Tweet from Queen Darcy @OnTheDL: How does one respond to a man saying he'd be a “willing supplicant”? Besides changing panties, obvs. 

Tweet from Helen Cho @Actly_its_Dr: @OnTheDL you let him worship you. DUH. 

Tweet from Helen Cho @Actly_its_Dr: @OnTheDL WAIT. Is this about the shrine in your lab??????????? 

* * *

Helen: Okay I gotta know what the deal with the shrine is. 

Helen: I mean, I left my offering of Junior Mints, but I’m very curious. 

Helen: Tell Dr. Cho why it is you have a shrine to her colleague. 

Darcy: Dying. 

Darcy: I can’t believe you saw that and left something. 

Darcy: It’s just a thing between Dr. Banner and myself. 

Helen: I love a good thing. 

Helen: Would love to know just what you meant by you “have a thing” 

Helen: [image of Clint with his chin on his hands] 

Darcy: I can’t believe you got Clint to pose for that for you. 

Helen: Who said he posed? 

Helen: And stop stalling. 

Darcy: Fine 

Darcy: So Dr. Banner might have sent me an email on accident. 

Darcy: and I might have sent back a semi flirty reply. 

Darcy: And he might have responded in kind. 

Darcy:And it just sort of escalated from there. 

Helen: I love this so hard. 

Helen: So what are you going to do? 

Darcy: Up the stakes of course. 

Helen: He has no idea what he’s in for. 

* * *

To: bbanner@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: I Prefer Other Offerings 

Dear Specimen Deity, 

Earlier today my friend Helen came by and made an offering without even knowing why I had a shrine to you. Of course, I would never intimidate her. She’s a science sister. She and I are just on the same wavelength. She made her offering and asked questions later. Tony, the asshole, simply took from your altar. You don’t owe me because of him. He owes you. It’s yours. (And I guess mine too as I do sneak snacks from it. I hope you don’t mind.) I have a veritable mountain of candy sitting here waiting for you. What’s your pleasure? I’m sure I can provide, be it confectionary or other. 

So you like being a little scared? I promise I don’t bite. Much. Unless you ask. But also, I don’t see how Sunday can be scary. I mean, you get to see me being flexible and sweaty just as much as I get to see you. Sounds win-win here. I promise that no matter what happens in yoga we will still get tea. If for nothing else than to discuss when we can start the lipstick study. I plan on doing so much science with you. I’ve had scientist friends before, but never one that seemed so invested in investigating the kinds of questions I’m interested in. I’m hoping we get along famously so we can do all sorts of science. 

As for pictures and phone numbers, consider it done. 

Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you. 

(I can be cheesy too) 

Darcy 

* * *

To: delewis@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: One of my degrees is in cheese 

Darcy, 

Is your friend Helen also Dr. Cho? Because if so, I have worked with her, she’s incredibly intelligent. And also funny. 

You asked earlier what my idea of a specimen was. Women who scare me are high on that list. Scary is a relative term, however, and not necessarily a bad one. I’m curious, how would one go about asking to be bitten? I’m merely asking for research purposes only. 

Also, how should I give you my number? I can’t imagine you want to exchange them over email. 

You must have a high current, because I can’t seem to resist you, 

Bruce 

* * *

To: bbanner@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Can I call you professor, and will you teach me things? 

Dr. Banner 

Helen Cho IS my Helen. We clean up at poker night. I love nothing more than fleecing a sucker who thinks I can’t be good at cards because I have breasts and killer lipstick. It’s so fun to watch them realize they’ve lost. We’ve financed an entire winery tour for eight with just one night of winnings. 

Bruce, all you have to do is ask politely. How else do you expect to get bitten? I must say, though, that the words “more” and “harder” and “right there” might be helpful as well. 

Darcy 

PS. Check your phone 

* * *

Darcy: [Image of Darcy’s face while lounging] Tony thinks his phone is super secure, but I was able to steal your number without breaking a sweat. 

Darcy: I tried to smear this lipstick today while enjoying a Blow Pop, but as you can see, no budge. 

Bruce: Tony is standing right here, but I didn’t want to leave you on read… it appears that you’ve begun the lipstick study on your own. Can’t say I complain, considering you were quick to share the results of your experiment. 

Bruce: Also, I’m not nearly as witty in this format, it’s harder to edit. Fair warning. 

Darcy: You should remind Tony he owes you after he stole from your offerings. You could demand up to half a burrito, which one intern was encouraged to tithe. (“Encouraged” is what Jane says I should call it if I don't want to deal with HR.) 

Bruce: Tony says he never should have encouraged you and I to talk to one another. It’s cute that he thinks he has that power. 

Darcy: Pretty sure the last thing Tony encouraged me to do was enter a wet tshirt contest which has nothing to do with you. Unless you want it to. For science. 

Bruce: Not that you know me all that well, but I think you know me well enough to understand my love for science and exactly to what lengths I would go for it. Having said that… if Tony actually encouraged you to enter a wet t-shirt contest, you definitely should bring that up with HR if they bust you for the “encouraged” tithing. If it was just a line, suffice it to say, it worked because I can’t think about anything else now. 

Darcy: You know, I’m not a scientist, just the scientist herder. You’ll have to teach me how to do it all properly. Are you up for that? Are you willing to teach me how to do rigorous study? 

Bruce: FRIDAY just asked me if I was ok because my BP and heart rate were elevated. I think I need a minute… 

Darcy: Can’t have that! I am looking forward to Sunday too much to lose out because of me. 

* * *

Darcy: [Image of organized candy] This is all yours. I organize it when I’m bored. 

Bruce: I think the big question is, how many people have tithed? How many interns know about me moonlighting as a deity on your desk? 

Bruce: BP’s normal now, by the way. I’ve gotten pretty good at self-regulating. It’s just if I get taken by surprise, sometimes things slip out of my grasp a little. Think of it as a compliment? Or don’t. I won’t tell you what to do. 

Bruce: I really want those gummy sharks 

Darcy: Hard to say how many are tithing at this point. It’s now part of the orientation tour. I’m not sure they know why the altar exists, just that it does. So many grad students worshipping you. Plus me. Though perhaps in slightly different formats of worship. 

Darcy: Send Tony to me. I’ll make him bring you back the sharks. Tell him I’m playing with fire if he doesn’t want to leave. (Last time something was on fire he was very bummed to have missed it.) 

Bruce: Expect him shortly. I told him you lit something on fire, so he might have gotten the wrong idea… but he’ll be down soon at any rate. 

Darcy: That’s funny. The only thing on fire here is my loins, and you did that. Can’t wait to hear Tony’s thoughts on that. 

Bruce: Oh jeez, you’re not going to tell him that, are you? 

Darcy: I won’t if you make it worth my while. 

Bruce: I feel like I might be out of my league, but I’ll do my best. 

Darcy: You have like 2 minutes to sell me on not telling him. Otherwise you can enjoy your gummy sharks with a side of roasting. 

Bruce: [Close up of Bruce with glasses writing] Please don’t tell Tony. Pretty please? 

Darcy: omg you’re adorable! But I’m only half convinced you fluffy man. 

Bruce: Fluffy? That’s something I’ve never been called. You have no idea how fluffy I am. 

Bruce: Not sure if that was cute or weird, but I’m going with it. 

Bruce: What if I make some kind of a trade? Not sure what I could offer, but I’m fairly convinced you have something in mind. 

Darcy: Yes fluffy. You remind me of a pillow I just want to cuddle up with. Like you’d be soft and I should rub my cheek on you. 

Darcy: I could get behind a trade. I actually didn’t have anything in mind, but I can do this. 

Darcy: I’ll keep my mouth shut if you send me your boxers via interdepartmental mail. 

Bruce: Consider it done. Any particular pair you’re looking for, or are you a new collector? 

Darcy: New collector and I want the ones you’re wearing right now. I want to see them on my desk by the end of the day. 

Bruce: I don’t have time to go home and change, but I’m assuming that’s part of it? 

Darcy: Of course. Now I get to know you’re wearing nothing under your pants. Are you telling me you wouldn’t like to know if I wasn’t wearing any underwear? 

Bruce: Well, I mean… I suppose I’d be lying if I tried to deny it. 😉 I’ll box them up and send them. 

Darcy: And an oblivious Tony is heading your way. He might have more than just the sharks with him, but I reminded him it’s all yours and he needed to ask permission. The interns agreed and gave him dirty looks when he started to argue. Pleasure doing business with you. 

Bruce: You should be receiving a package soon. It’s marked urgent, so I was assured it’d get to you by the end of the day. 

Bruce: Are you kidding me? There’s like 3 pounds here! You want me to get diabetes or something? I have a sweet tooth, but this is a LOT. I’m gonna need that yoga class if I eat all this. 

* * *

Bruce: I have an idea. I’m considering trading gummies to Tony for completing menial tasks around the lab. What should I ask him to do? 

Darcy: Are you...clicker training Tony, but with candy? I mean it’s brilliant. Plus, the interns now enjoy leaving you offerings, so there’s always going to be plenty here to reward him with. You should start by having him fetch something for you. Be sneaky. Slowly work him into it so he doesn’t realize what’s happening. 

Darcy: Also, I should mention I find this brilliantly devious side of you very attractive. I should reward you so you keep it up. 

Bruce: Now I think you might be clicker training me. I approve, by the way. Proceed. 

Bruce: I got Tony to write all of the base code for our current project in exchange for half of the peach rings, so I have some spare time. 

Darcy: It’s a good exchange. Peach rings are delicious. Have you ever kissed someone after they’ve had some? So good. 

Darcy: Now I need an appropriate reward for you. Hmmmm. Would you rather have: a cheesy yet sincere pick up line or first choice of lipstick we test first? 

Bruce: I’m sort of partial to the one in your photo. 

Darcy: [Image of several tubes of lipstick] Are you sure? There are a lot of choices. These are just the ones from my purse today. Ideally we’re going to test them all. I just need to know which color you want me to wear on Sunday. 

Darcy: Speaking of wearing, I don’t like wearing underwear with my yoga pants. 

Bruce: Third from the top. And are you trying to kill me? 

Darcy: Of course not. There’s entirely too much fun I want to have with you. That can’t happen if you’re dead. And you picked the color I’m wearing today. Just FYI. 

Darcy: I guess I should ask if *you* are having fun. I certainly don’t want to be having fun at your expense. I want us to have fun together. 

Bruce: If I died from this, I’d die having fun, I promise. 

Darcy: Well aren’t you sweet? I could eat you right up. A little licking, a little biting… 

Bruce: Nah, I think you’re the sweet one. 

Bruce: Also I’m outside the yoga studio now… are you nearby? 

Darcy: I’m like half a block behind you. I’m diggin the calves on display. 

Bruce: Told you I was fluffy. 

Darcy: I believe you weren’t sure if that was a good thing or not. I demand recompense for this lie! 

Bruce: I see you now. Probably will stop texting, unless you’d rather converse this way instead of verbally? 

* * *

Darcy: Am I an idiot for pushing my way into this yoga class? 

Jane: Well… 

Jane: You’ve done dumber things for sure. This doesn’t even rate. 

Jane: But you were pretty pushy based on what you told me. 

Darcy: I don't know what it is. It’s like,he responded and suddenly I’m Very Into this. 

Jane: You’re not just doing this as a joke, right? 

Darcy: I’d never! 

Jane: Then it’s fine. Have fun. See if you guys mesh outside the emails. 

Darcy: I’m also slightly nervous about making a fool of myself at this class. 

Jane: Why? You’re super bendy. If I remember right, that’s why Ian texts you whenever he’s in town. 

Darcy: Being bendy and being good at yoga aren’t really the same thing. 

Jane: You’ll be fine. 

Darcy: OMG. 

Darcy: I think I just fell in deep like with this man. 

Jane: ?? 

Darcy: Check my snapchat. 

Jane: Never change. 

Snapchat of the lower half of a man in purple shorts. Text says: I can’t. These shorts do it for me, 

Darcy: This teahouse is entirely too fancy for me. 

Darcy: [Image of teacup and kettle on serving tray] 

Darcy: Bail me out if I get arrested for being an imposter. 

Helen: Is Bruce just watching you text me? 

Darcy: Nah. He’s in the bathroom. 

Helen: Ohhh. I get it. This isa nerves text. You haven’t sent me one of these in ages. 

Darcy: Why you gotta call me out like that? 

Darcy: Also, maybe I just don’t get tea? This doesn’t taste good. I can’t decide if I should tell him or if that’s what will land me in tea jail. 

* * *

Darcy: Is it wrong that I can’t get the image of you after class (and, let’s be real, during class) out of my head? Seriously...you’re so bendy. I like it. 

Bruce: What can I say? I try. No, but really… whoever invented yoga pants must have had you in mind. 

Bruce: Slightly off topic, did you ever get the taste of that herbal tea out of your mouth? I could help with that if necessary. 

Bruce: God, that sounded… ignore me. 

Darcy: You’re adorable when you think you’re doing a bad job flirting. 

Darcy: For the record, I could have used the help, but someone said they needed to get home and shower… 

Bruce: At the risk of changing your opinion of my flirting abilities, I could have used some help with that myself. The shower, I mean. If that wasn’t apparent. 

Bruce: You’re a bad influence, my head used to be filled with other endeavors, but now all I can think about is how stupid I was not to ask you back to my place. 

Bruce: I changed my mind. You’re an excellent influence. 

Darcy: Damn right I’m an excellent influence. And I like how bold you are today. Add that to my specimen list because it’s doing things for me. 

Darcy: Does that offer of joining you in the shower still stand? Because I have some mascara that claims to be waterproof that I need to test. 

Bruce: I don’t know, how does your schedule look? I know Dr. Foster says that science knows no clock, but I leave the lab at seven most nights. Unless Tony finds a way to keep me there. Can’t say he’d have anything more enticing than the promise of more time with you, though. 

* * *

Bruce: Tony help 

Tony: Help with what? Hulk-related or personal? 

Bruce: I’m trying to ask Darcy out, but she keeps turning the relationship to sex and I don’t stop her 

Tony: Why would you? 

Bruce: You are no help whatsoever. I’m asking Pepper. 

Tony: Yeah, I would 

* * *

Darcy: Staying up all night to do science with you has a vastly different appeal than doing it with Jane. That said, if you’d rather wait, we could put that shower on our calendars. Some official “outside research” that we need to conduct, if you will. 

Bruce: That might be better, I feel this is something I need to prepare for. In a scientific way, of course. Lots of pre-research and… things might be needed before we begin the actual project. 

Darcy: I’m curious about these “things.” Like….a girl's mind can go a lot of different ways. I feel like you mean practical while I….don’t. 

Bruce: For one, my shower isn’t equipped to have more than one person in it at once… unless you were suggesting we take turns? 😉 (hope I’m doing that right) 

Darcy: I don’t mind taking turns, but I think I mean that in a different way than you do. More of a “I give, you take; you give, I take” kind of way. 

Darcy: Also, my shower is big enough for two, but if you like the idea of a bit of a squeeze...I’m not adverse. 

Bruce: I’m not adverse to squeezing 

Darcy: [Image of woman’s legs in boxer shorts] So these are pretty comfy. 

Bruce: You know, I think you wear them better than I do. 

Darcy: I wonder if you’ll still say that when I start stealing all your clothes. 

Bruce: Should I go buy more? Or is your aim to leave me without anything to wear? 

Darcy: Mostly the latter, but also I think it might be fun to have you take back what’s yours. Slowly. 

* * *

Bruce: Pepper, I need advice that Tony won’t know how to give 

Pepper: You could have just stopped at ‘I need advice’ 

Bruce: You know that thing I was talking to you about the other day? The workplace flirtation? 

Pepper: Yes… 

Bruce: I want to ask her out, but she keeps turning the conversation to sex, and I let her because I’m weak 

Pepper: Bruce, you are not weak. Just ask her straight out. Don’t cut corners. Be blunt. She responds well to that. Good luck. 

* * *

Bruce: Can I press the pause button here, because I have something I really want to ask you. If that’s okay with you, I mean, I love doing this, but really want to ask you something? 

Darcy: Of course! Shoot! 

Bruce: Can I take you out sometime? For more than sweaty contortion, terrible herbal tea, and suggestive texting? 

Darcy: This, Bruce, is why I like you. Absolutely. Yes. 

* * *

Darcy: He wants to take me on a date. 

Jane: That *is* what normally happens when you date someone. 

Darcy: But not just as a means to sex, I don’t think. 

Darcy: I think he legitimately just wants to spend time with me being ourselves. 

Jane: You say that like it’s a bad thing. 

Darcy: Maybe it is. 

Jane: How? How could this be a bad thing? 

Darcy: Because that means this isn’t just something casual and meaningless? 

Jane: And that’s bad because…? 

Darcy: It will hurt when he realizes I’m not worth it. 

Jane: Not every guy is your ex, Darce. 

Jane: Has he done anything at all to make you feel like he’s not truly invested in getting to know you? To make you think this is a scam to get in your pants? 

Darcy: No. 

Jane: Then accept that face value. 

Darcy: It’s just… 

Darcy: Guys never want me for the wholeme. They want me for my body. 

Jane: I’m sure he likes your body, but it’s clear he likes more than that. 

Jane: He sent you all those goofy emails. He invited you to his yoga class. He flirts with you in an adorably awkward way. He seems oddly charmed by the shrine in our lab. 

Jane: Face it. He likes you for more than your body. 

Jane: And you? Do you like him for more than his body? 

Darcy: I do. 

Jane: Then let yourself enjoy this. 

Jane: It might not work out, but it absolutely won’t if you don’t try. 

Darcy: UGH. I hate it when you’re right. 

Darcy: I’m putting a gold star on your science chart. You earned it for putting up with me tonight. 

Jane: !!! 

Jane: How close am I to an ice cream day now? 

* * *

Bruce: Okay good. I was a little nervous about asking you that, but I’m glad I did. 

Darcy: I’d apologize that I make you nervous, but I think you like it. 

Bruce: Yeah, and that’s why I like you. 

Darcy: So….ummm...do you maybe also want to stop by the lab some time? You could maybe pick up some of your offerings? I feel like the interns don’t believe you’re real. I think they might think that I’m just worshipping from afar, which I can and will do, but, yeah. 

Bruce: Yeah, I would love to! I thought about coming down and surprising you, but I didn’t want to seem creepy... 

Darcy: Not creepy! We have a lot of people in and out all the time. 

Darcy: I might have walked by yours the other day, but it was kinda quiet and intense looking, so I didn’t stop in. 

Bruce: It is, and that’s definitely why you should stop by. Could use a little light in there from time to time. (Feel like that was cheesy, but you said in your emails that you liked cheese, so lactose warning from here on out.) 

Darcy: The. Cutest. 

Darcy: That’s what you are. 

Darcy: Also, I wasn’t sure like how public you wanted this to be. And I didn’t want to cross a line with professionalism and whatnot. Jane and I are known for our crazy lab. The others I oversee like things a lot calmer. Which is fine. But they mostly come to me because they don’t like my energy in their space. They like what it does for them, but just not me. 

Bruce: … Who is this ‘they’? They work *here*? 

Bruce: I’d promise to beat them up, but I’m sort of a non-violent type for obvious reasons. I’ll definitely rewrite some code and make their computers act up though. See how they like that energy in their space. 

Bruce: Also… excuse my language, but what the hell? 

Darcy: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m used to it. It’s not like it’s a big deal. I don’t know if you know this, but not everyone likes a loudmouth woman. 

Bruce: You say ‘loudmouth’, I say empowered. If someone can’t deal with an empowered woman, then it’s possible they shouldn’t be in the professional world. I apologize for ‘them’. I’m sorry ‘they’ are so weak. 

Bruce: That last bit might have been the Other Guy leaking through. 

Bruce: No regrets, though. He’s right. 

Darcy: Is it inappropriate to say I’m a little turned on right now? I’ll say it regardless; I’m just curious. 

Bruce: Is it inappropriate to say I’m blushing right now? I hope it isn’t because I’ve blushed more since we’ve been talking than I have in a while. 

Darcy: Is that so? That sounds so ridiculously attractive. Show me! 

Bruce: Okay, but you’re going to have to come let me in, because I apparently don’t have clearance to enter Jane Foster’s lab? 

* * *

Darcy: I think the interns are still in awe that you visited. More importantly, I’m really glad you visited. 

Darcy: I was right-you blushing is now on my list of favorite things. Hopefully you’ll never get used to my scandalous behavior. Also, Jane says you can come by any time. 

Bruce: Good to know. Might have to head that way more often. Or you could come up here to mine next time? You did say you liked taking turns, right? 

Darcy: I did say that, and I do. It’s just that your lab is a lot more private than ours, so are you prepared for what I might do with that privacy? 

Darcy: [Image of Darcy with her eyes closed and the setting sunlight on her face] Jane and I snuck up to the roof to watch the sunset. She demands I send you this picture. I assume it’s because the blanket I’m wrapped in is hella soft. 

Bruce: I can see why you thought that, I do like a snuggly blanket. 

Bruce: Seriously, though… you are breathtaking. Why are you talking to me again? 

Darcy: Because you’re amazing? Because you’re kind and smart and funny? Because you invited me to yoga without knowing me at all and respond to my flirting and actually seem to like it? Maybe because you’re fluffy and have this blush that is somehow cute and hot at the same time? 

Darcy: But if that’s not enough, it’s also because I want to see your dick. 

Bruce: I will have you know I dropped my phone on my face just now. 

* * *

Bruce: So, I might have called in a couple of favors, but before I set anything in stone… what are your thoughts about the aquarium? 

Darcy: Can you believe I’ve never been to one? I like pretty much all animals. Sometimes more than I like people, so I think I would like it? If nothing else, it’s a new experience, and I enjoy those. 

Bruce: So the current director of the New York Aquarium is an old classmate of mine. And I use that term loosely. Because he took Chemistry with me and was my lab assistant. I carried both of us through that class so I wouldn’t ruin my GPA, but also because he promised me any favor in the future. No expiration date on said favor. He also owed me similar favors for American History and Intro to Biology. 

Bruce: Anyway, just let me know what night you’re free, and I might have arranged for the entire aquarium to stay open late for a private viewing. 

Bruce: Might means I definitely have. So, I’m really glad you are open to the idea of the aquarium. 

Darcy: Holy shit. 

Darcy: Are you sure you want to waste a favor on me? But also, yes please and next Tuesday none of my scientists have anything running, so I can definitely be out of the labs. 

Bruce: Next Tuesday it is. And waste my favor? On you? Pretty sure that’s some kind of oxymoron or something. Also, he said they just revamped the shark exhibit, and while I’m unsure what that means or why it needed revamping, it is true nonetheless. 

Bruce: You have no idea how long it took me to swype nonetheless. 

Darcy: Should I be concerned about your dexterity? I mean...your hands already kind of fascinate me, and I’ve spent a decent amount of time imagining what they could do, so I’d just like more info so next time I zone out in a progress update I can have an accurate fantasy. 

Darcy: And I have no idea why a shark exhibit would need revamping. Maybe they added a disco ball for all the parties the sharks have been throwing? 

Bruce: I think you should be more concerned about the fact that a man with seven doctorates somehow can’t spell nonetheless with enough accuracy for predictive text to catch it. Nothing wrong with my hands, promise. Fingers are fine too. In case you were wondering. 

Bruce: And I think sharks would be more prone to rave and spin glow sticks, so maybe they revamped it with black lights and appropriate art that only glows under said black lights? Either way, we’ll definitely have to check it out. 

Darcy: You’re right. I bet sharks don’t snort cocaine in Tank 54. Rave makes more sense. 

* * *

Darcy: Ummm….did you send Tony over here? He’s nosing around in things and keeps looking at me when he thinks I can’t see him. 

Bruce: I can’t send Tony anywhere. Not even away from me. Want me to come down and try to bodily drag him out? 

Darcy: Yes please! And I swear this has everything to do with getting Tony out of here and only a little to do with seeing your face and a little bit more to do with wanting to check out your ass again. 

Bruce: Well, I am wearing those khakis you like. I’ll be down in a moment. 

Darcy: I especially liked that wink as you left. And yes, your ass *does* still look fantastic. 

Bruce: Thank you. 

Bruce: I know our date isn’t until Tuesday, but would you like to have dinner together tonight? I can cook. Objectively. If you like eggs. 

Darcy: 100% yes, but maybe we should do takeout? Or I can cook. Well….if you like weird family Depression Era recipes. 

Bruce: I know a Pad Thai place. You probably know the same one, since we work in the same building. 

Darcy: Maybe we should try out a new recipe together. Not tonight, but sometime? You could come over and we could pretend we’re actually going to be able to feed ourselves and end up with a mess and my emergency freezer pizza instead. But we’ll have done it together and that sounds like fun. 

Bruce: Sounds like a lot of fun. You’re sure you don’t want to do that tonight? 

Darcy: Not tonight. I like that this means we have more plans than just tonight and Tuesday. 

Darcy: Unless you want it to be tonight. That would be fine too. 

Bruce: You know, just because we don’t plan evenings together, doesn’t mean we can’t spend them together. I’m a notoriously boring homebody. I rarely have plans that aren’t work-related. You’re welcome to come have dinner with me whenever you want. Or dessert. Or just come over. Open invitation. 

Bruce: As for tonight… I could eat anything. What are you in the mood for? 

Bruce: (Do you like that innuendo? 😉 It wasn’t intentional, but you can take that any way you want.) 

Darcy: I’d like to come 

Darcy: over 

Darcy: I’ll let you decide if that was intentional or because I was suddenly distracted by the sound of glass breaking. 

Darcy: And I liked the innuendo. There’s a lot I would like in my mouth. I’m more curious what you want to eat, though. 

Bruce: Pretty sure I could arrange anything you wanted, but if it’s up to me, I guess you’ll have to be surprised when you get here. 

Bruce. Wait, you’re not allergic to anything, are you? 

Darcy: Helen is laughing at you. 

Darcy: I’m not allergic to any foods, so you’re good. I won’t be out of here until 8. Is that okay? 

Bruce: That’s perfect. You know which apartment is mine, right? 

Darcy: Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve known since before you sent me that email instead of my cousin. 

Bruce: I don’t. It’s kind of common knowledge since I asked to switch with Thor. Guy was never here and had the best view. 

Darcy: Thor not being here is like the #1 reason Jane broke up with him. But that’s not why I knew it. I know where all the scientists live. I’m not your scientist wrangler, but I still try to be aware of all the scientists on our 3 floor section. 

Bruce: That’s smart, actually. 

Bruce: Well, I’ll be here. See you soon? 

Darcy: Be there in 5. 

* * *

Bruce: Okay, what do I do 

Tony: No punctuation? Bruce, are you okay? 

Bruce: I invited Darcy over to dinner 

Tony: Dinner, huh? Are you going to cook? 

Bruce: No, but she wouldn’t tell me what she wanted to eat, so I said I’d surprise her. 

Bruce: Why did I say that? 

Bruce: I can’t surprise anyone 

Tony: Maybe the real surprises were the friends we made along the way 

Bruce: Tony 

Bruce: Help 

Bruce: Please 

Tony: What does she like to eat? 

Bruce: I don’t know! 

Tony: So be spontaneous. Order something you’d never order. Try something new. If she’s never had it, new experience for both of you. If she has, she has, either way, it’s a win. 

Bruce: Ok, I might have an idea 

Bruce: What’s the policy with delivery people and the tower? As in, how many can there be at once before FRIDAY thinks we’re being overrun? 

Tony: I’m pretty sure the limit’s still not set from that time Steve and Thor decided to try every pizza in Manhattan for Thor’s Youtube channel. 

Bruce: Okay, I definitely have an idea 

Tony: Wanna share? 

Tony: No? Fine, that’s fine. You’ll tell me tomorrow. 

* * *

Darcy: I know i just left 10 minutes ago, but I just wanted you to know I made it back home and I had a lot of fun tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever had a man not expect more when I came over. 

Bruce: I got to see you, and I had a wonderful time. What more is there? 

Bruce: (To be clear, I *do* know, I’m just trying to be adorable. Is it working?) 

Bruce: (To be even more clear, I never expect that from you.) 

Bruce: (That isn’t to say I’m not open to it. But I never expect you to provide it… every way I’m saying this sounds wrong. You don’t owe me anything for coming over. Is that any better?) 

Bruce: And I hope you sleep well. Thank you for letting me know you got home. 

Darcy: You are too good to be true. How’d I get so lucky as to have you respond to my emails? 

Darcy: Sorry, just feeling a little overwhelmed (in a good way) tonight as I get ready for bed. 

Darcy: Okay. I gotta balance this out. So….what do you wear to bed? 

Bruce: I like to keep it warm, so… usually my boxers? 

Bruce: How about you? Any interesting pajamas you want to share? 

Darcy: I am so tired that I almost sent you a true answer instead of a fun answer. 

Darcy: And tonight? I’m also enjoying your boxers. 

Bruce: They *are* comfortable. I’m glad you’re enjoying them. 

Darcy: They actually really are. I might have to keep stealing them from you. I suppose I could barter, though, if I have something you want. 

Bruce: There are lots of things that I want, but you’re not beholden to me for anything. 

Darcy: I don’t think I would mind if I was. But also I said barter which means we both get something out of it. I would really enjoy giving you something you want. 

Bruce: But what if what I want is for you to get something you want? And we just get tangled up in the cycle? 

Darcy: Tangled up with you for the foreseeable future? Sounds pretty good to me. 

Bruce: Wow, you are so good at that. The finding-the-right-words-thing. I’m not good with that. Definitely didn’t take many classes in finding the right words in college. 

Bruce: I hate to say this, but I really need to get some sleep or I’m going to be useless tomorrow. But I can promise to text you first thing. If you don’t mind, that is. 

Darcy: I had four majors before I interned with Jane. Also, it’s a bit of a defense mechanism? It’s hard to explain, and there’s not time for it if you’re going to bed. Which….holy shit it’s late. Bed is a *great* idea. But yeah. Goodnight. I like that I lose track of time when I’m talking to you. 

Bruce: Goodnight! Can’t wait to lose track of time talking with you tomorrow! 

Darcy: I hope you leave your phone on silent at night because Jane just called me back to the lab. 

Darcy: It’s 3 AM and I am going a little loopy. It’s partially that I actually haven’t slept since...yesterday? The day before? It’s hard to tell. But it might also be the tequila shots we did while we waited for the rendering to complete. 

Darcy: Did you know that you have really great hair? I just want to run my fingers through it. Like, all the time. I want your head in my lap and I drag my nails across your scalp while we talk. I want to pull ever so slightly when I drag you in to kiss me. I want to wash it in the shower. I just really like your hair. 

Darcy: And you! I really like you. I mean, your hair is excellent, but it’s more than that. I haven’t felt like this in a really long time, and I’m worried you’re going to realize you’re too good for me and then I don’t even know what will happen except that it will suck. 

Darcy: But it’s not like you’re my boyfriend, so I shouldn’t feel this way. I… 

Darcy: This is Jane. I forced Darcy to sleep on the couch. She’ll talk to you later. 

Bruce: I just woke up, backreading now… 

Bruce: You can do all those things to my hair anytime. Just any of them. Anytime. Seriously. 

Bruce: I really like you too. And the idea of me being too good for anyone is laughable. But especially you. I sometimes can’t believe we’re… I can’t believe you’re interested in me. 

Bruce: I could be your boyfriend, if you want those kinds of labels. I wouldn’t mind them. But it’s entirely up to you, Darcy. 

Bruce: I hope you got some sleep. I’ll talk to you later. (I will, I’m not just saying that, I might come down with coffee later.) 

* * *

Darcy: How did you know what kind of coffee I like? And what’s with the hair…? Let me reread and catch up again. 

Darcy: OMG. I’m so embarrassed. I can’t believe I said all that. That’s what I get for being up all night whenever one of my scientists has an overnight experiment. I mean...I meant what I said, I just can’t believe I actually sent it. 

Darcy: We don’t have to do labels. I like the concept of boyfriend/girlfriend, but the words are kind of, idk...juvenile almost? But I think I’d be good with that level of commitment? 

Bruce: I might have asked Jane what to order for you, coffee-wise. 

Bruce: And honestly, it’s not the worst lack-of-sleep reaction I’ve ever seen. It’s not the worst lack-of-sleep reaction *I’ve* ever had, even. 

Bruce: As far as the labels go, what you’ve laid out would be completely fine with me. I’m a little older than the average boyfriend. Not sure if you noticed. 

Darcy: Gasp! You aren’t 22? But you have such youthful skin! How do you do it? Bathing in the blood of virgins? Is that why you’re dating me? For my blood? Well, I’m sorry to disappoint, but it’s not virginal anymore. I made sure of it because of rapscallions like you. 

Bruce: It’s nothing that complicated. Probably just the gamma radiation I subjected myself to. 

Bruce: Not to be completely obtuse, but isn’t virginity a construct, anyway? 

Bruce: Rapscallions? I haven’t rapscallioned in many years. 

Darcy: I feel like I should reward you for saying virginity is a construct because it is, and it’s often used to harm women and I really appreciate you acknowledging that. 

Darcy: Here’s a picture of (hilariously enough) Dorian Gray. I rescued him in New Mexico when that whole destroyer thing happened. 

Darcy: [Image of Darcy with cat on her shoulder] 

Bruce: Adorable! 

Bruce: The cat’s cute too. 

* * *

Darcy: So, how dressy should I be for the aquarium tomorrow? Like, I want to knock your socks off, but not be overdressed. 

Bruce: Well, I would assume we’d be walking around quite a bit. But really I haven’t seen you in anything that didn’t knock my socks off, so I’m sure whatever you choose will be perfect. 

Darcy: I love how sweet this answer is, but it also is no help at all. I’m just going to tell Tony to pick something out for me. He seems like a guy that’s been on a date at the aquarium before. 

Bruce: Something comfortable? 

Darcy: [Image of Darcy in red sunglasses with strawberry terry cloth tie in hair] The aquarium has never seen glamour like me before. 

Bruce: Are you wearing pajamas? No judgement. Just, if you are, then I am as well. 

Darcy: I'm not really. But I love your commitment. 

Darcy: I’m thinking something more like this. 

Darcy: [Image of green dress on hanger] 

Bruce: I like green 

Darcy: Good to know. I’ll make sure my bra matches. I’m not sold on whether or not I’ll be wearing underwear. 

Bruce: I 

Bruce: Sorry hit send too soon 

Bruce: But I stand by it. 

Darcy: If you have an opinion I’d love to hear it. You know, the best way to get what you want is to ask for it. 

Bruce: I have many opinions, but I fear I’m not dextrous enough to text them. And I’d like to think I’m very dextrous. That is to say, these particular opinions are really better heard firsthand. 

Darcy: You were certainly right. That was much better to hear in person. I think we both learned a lot about the importance of communication today. 

Bruce: I like to think I express myself rather well in person 

Darcy: Feel free to express yourself all you like with me. 

* * *

Darcy: I’m not sure what you’re up to tonight, but I was planning to watch some true crime YouTube videos and knit if you’re looking to not be alone. 

Bruce: That sounds fun. What time should I be there? 

Darcy: I’m actually getting out of here kind of early. All my scientists are being sent home early because the lab is undergoing a deep clean. I’ll be home by 5. 

Bruce: I can be out as early as 5:30, I have to wait for this scan to finish. But I’ll see you soon? 

Darcy: In case you were wondering, the dress code is super casual. See you when you’re done being brilliant! 

Bruce: On my way. 

Bruce: Did you ever find my sock? 

Darcy: I did. It was in the kitchen. Did you even go in there? 

Bruce: I blame Dorian Gray. 

Darcy: WOW. Blame the cat. Suuuuure. I see how it is. Yet another man that can’t admit his faults. 

Darcy: (But maybe? He’s usually not a sock stealer, but he also doesn’t usually like guys as much as he liked you.) 

Bruce: I would own up to a fault if I had it. And sock-loser isn’t one of my faults. 

Bruce: But seriously, that cat was really cool. For lack of a better adjective. Totally worth the cat hair I found on all my clothes. 

Darcy: That’s why the lint roller is on the table next to the door. I guess I’ll have to train you up on the fine art of removing cat hair because I would like you to keep coming over. If you wanted to, that is. I had fun last night, even if I missed the end of the video about Elisa Lam. Also, sorry if I drooled on you at all. 

Bruce: I must have missed that this morning. The lint roller. Definitely caught the drooling, but it wasn’t that bad. 

Darcy: I feel like I should be embarrassed, but I was entirely too comfortable.you’re a good impromptu pillow. 

Bruce: I aim to please 

Darcy: So are we meeting at the aquarium tonight or… 

Bruce: Or we could meet at the Tower and go over together? Whichever would be easier for you. 

Darcy: Yes. Absolutely. That’s what I was hoping for, but I was worried that might sound clingy. 

Bruce: Not clingy at all. Unless we’re both clingy and therefore, have a skewed definition of what clingy actually is 

Darcy: My door is open. Come in when you get here. I’m running the tiniest bit late because Dr. Felder forgot to tell me his grant proposal is due by midnight, and I had to get his budget details together. 

Bruce: I wasn’t aware that Dr. Felder was an infant, and unable to type up his own budget, but I suppose I learn new things everyday. 

Bruce: Wow. That was certainly sardonic. 

Bruce: I think you might be rubbing off on me. 

Darcy: If you’re not sure if I am, I’m not doing it right. You should definitely know when I’m rubbing you off. 

Bruce: On my way 

Bruce: To your place… not to any of the… 

Bruce: Darcy, I like you so much 

Darcy: You seem a bit tongue tied. I better get out there and catch what I’m sure is a brilliant blush. 

* * *

Tweet from Queen Darcy @OnTheDL: He bought me a flower in water so it would match with our aquarium date. [Image of pink flower floating in water] 

Snapchat of water tunnel at aquarium with text: Coolest. Date. Ever 

Snapchat of two people in silhouette against aquarium tank kissing with text: !!!!!!! 

Tweet from Queen Darcy @OnTheDL: Happy to take these off, but a little bummed the date is over because I didn’t want it to end. [Image of shoes on an ottoman] 

* * *

Darcy: I feel like testing my lipstick is now off to fabulous start. 

Bruce: Yeah, about that 

Bruce: [image of lipstick smeared on the collar of a cotton undershirt] 

Bruce: Tony found that when I got back from lunch. On my undershirt collar. 

Darcy: 1-I am very upset that right off we found a lipstick that didn’t live up to advertising. 2-How terrible is Tony being? 3-We should repeat to make sure that the results are accurate. If you’re amenable to continuing our research, that is. 

Bruce: 1-Is it bad that I sort of like it more? 2-Imagine the most terrible you’ve ever seen him, and multiply by pi. 3-I am always amenable. I think we should repeat as many times as necessary. 

* * *

Tony: Heya shorty, got a minute? 

Darcy: Depends what you want. 

Tony: Just wanna chat for a sex 

Tony: A SEC I MEANT SEC 

Darcy: I’m telling Bruce you propositioned me. 

Tony: That’s what I wanted to talk about. 

Tony: Bruce, not the other thing. Because I didn’t. I DIDN’T. 

Darcy: Okay, but I’m watching you. And I still might tell him. 

Tony: Fair enough. 

Tony: Listen you know I love you, right? I do. But I also love Bruce and if something were to happen to him, if someone were to break his fragile, yet radioactive, heart, I would be very upset, you know? 

Tony: Not that you would. But I have to say it. All jokes aside. 

Tony: He seems happy with you, Shrimp. And Bruce doesn’t generally do happy, so I guess what I’m saying is… don’t blow it. 

Darcy: This is oddly the most human thing I’ve ever seen you do. But I’m also a little caught up on the fact that you think I have the power to break his heart. 

Darcy: And also....you don’t get to decide if I blow him. That’s between the two of us. I’ll blow it if I want. 

Tony: Okay, that one was on me. I kinda set you up for that. Consider it a freebie. 

Tony: On an unrelated note, do you think I should start developing an instant radiation test kit? Feedback is appreciated. 

Darcy: I feel like this is a trap. Like you’re going to want to test my vagina. 

Tony: Ew, no. 

Tony: Not ew re: vagina, just ew re: me testing yours. I’ll leave that to Brucey. 

Darcy: Now I’m going to tell Bruce you talked to me about my vagina. My my my have you been naughty. 

Darcy: But really, what’s the test for? What are you hoping to accomplish with it? 

Tony: I just figured… if you were going to be spending an increased amount of time around Bruce and all his Gamma-Goodness, it might not be a bad idea. Since we still don’t know how all that stuff… works with him. I’m only looking out for your well-being, Cupcake. 

Darcy: So this IS about my vagina. I’m so telling on you. 

Tony: For HR reasons, we might have to abandon this conversation now. Definitely HR reasons, and NOT because I’m uncomfortable. 

Darcy: Coward. 

* * *

Darcy: Before I respond to that, you need to know Tony propositioned me just now. 

Bruce: What? Really? Or just in Tonyspeak? (That’s what we all call his special brand of bullshit) 

Darcy: He also asked about my vagina. 

Bruce: Was it a general well being question or explicit in nature? Also, how did it make you feel? Because I feel like my reaction should probably jump off of yours. 

Darcy: It was at first 75% him having a typo and then another like 100% me wanting to make him uncomfortable for various reasons. Mostly I just want you to pretend to be mad at him because he backed out of the conversation because he is a coward. 

Bruce: Well, first off, well done making him uncomfortable, because he has shut himself in his workshop and is blasting Billy Joel, which is his ‘embarrassment mix’, so… 

Bruce: I will send him a text though. I want to hop on this dog pile immediately. 

Darcy: Why is it so hot when you’re being a shit? 

Bruce: I don’t know, but I’m glad it’s a good color on me. 

* * *

Bruce: Darcy said you propositioned her? 

Tony: … 

Tony: It was a typo 

Bruce: A typo/Freudian slip 

Tony: Dude 

Bruce: I’m kidding. I know you would never. But you never mess up. It felt like a monumental event. 

Tony: Live it up, Big Guy 

Bruce: She wouldn’t tell me what you texted her though 

* * *

Bruce: He just left me on read 

Darcy: Rude. But, to be fair, I sort of twisted his conversation in an attempt to make him uncomfortable so maybe he’s earned a little free time? 

Bruce: Free time… Time out… either/or 

Darcy: It’s win-win for us, so let him lick his wounds. 

Darcy: Was Tony enough of a mood killer that you wouldn’t be interested in meeting me for a little more rigorous testing? I’ve applied a fresh coat of lipstick. 

Bruce: Even if Tony was a mood-killer, I’d never let him know it. He’s got too high an opinion of himself as it is. 

Bruce: When would you like to meet? I’ve got this 3D model software rendering for the foreseeable future. 

Darcy: ...can Tony see you from his tantrum corner? 

Bruce: I mean… he’s sort of in front of the glass doors, but his back is facing me. 

Darcy: How exhibistionistic are you? And are you willing to find out if you’re not sure? 

Bruce: That depends… what would you have me do? 

Darcy: I was just going to suggest continuing our research in your lab so you don’t miss out on your rendering finishing. 

Darcy: I can be there in the next 15 minutes. 

Bruce: Sounds great, actually. I’ll see you soon. 

* * *

Darcy: How many days do you think it set Tony back when he blew up whatever it was he was working on? (Seriously, who knew he'd be so jumpy about a little kissing?) 

Bruce: No idea… every time I ask him if I can help, he just says ‘nothing!’ and walks away. 

Bruce: No regrets, though 

Darcy: You know, I’m kinda disappointed in how much lipstick I got on your neck. 

Darcy: I say disappointed, but I mean in the brand. I kind of liked marking you. 

Bruce: I was going to say… *I’m* not disappointed at all 

Darcy: I can decide if I hope I ruin all your undershirts or if I want to buy all the lipstick in an effort to find the ones that leave you clean even though I’ve been rather filthy. 

Bruce: Whichever you decide to do, just know that I will support you all the way 

Darcy: One of the many reasons I like you. 

Darcy: I should make you a list, so you don’t have to question just why I enjoy being with you. 

* * *

To: bbanner@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Let me count the ways 

Darcy’s Specimen List

1\. Puts up with my flirting. 

2\. Flirts back, but in the most adorably dorky way. 

3\. Crazy smart. Brilliant, even. 

4\. Fluffy hair that is perfect from running my fingers through. 

5\. Kind to everyone. 

6\. Excellent at research. 

7\. So thoughtful it’s staggering. 

8\. Kisses like a demon. 

9\. Bendy in the best possible ways. 

10\. Seems to like me. 

11\. Brings me flowers. 

12\. Torments Tony with me. 

13\. Unfazed by my shrine. 

14\. Watches true crime videos with me. 

15\. Is a pretty decent pillow. 

16\. Passes the Dorian Gray test. 

* * *

To: delewis@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Demons? In my good, wholesome laboratory? 

That’s quite a list you’ve got there. I wish you were here so I could kiss you like a “demon” again, but there’s all those pesky floors between us. 

Unrelated, but would you like to come watch true crime videos at my place this evening? Or is it too soon after our date to want to have another one? 

Bruce 

* * *

Jane: Darcy isn’t used to men wanting to date her. She’s used to men wanting to use dates to get sex. I think it’s important that you know that. 

Bruce: Do you think I’ve misrepresented myself in some way? I’m not attempting to be argumentative, I am genuinely asking for your opinion. 

Jane: Not at all. But right now Darcy is staring at her email and frowning because she thinks you are too good to be true. 

Jane: I know she seems very self confident and cool and sexy, but she’s not used to guys getting to know her. With that in mind, I want you to know that I am aware that there doesn’t appear to be a way to kill the Hulk, but if you hurt her, I will prove that hypothesis wrong. 

Bruce: I never intended my correspondence to cause her distress in any way. 

Bruce: And if I do hurt her, you have my full permission to test out any of your theories concerning the Hulk’s longevity. Because if I hurt her, I’ll deserve it. 

Jane: Don’t misunderstand me. I want you to keep doing what you’re doing. She deserves it. Just...take care of her for me? 

Bruce: I will. To the best of my ability and then some. 

Jane: Also, I will send Helen your way if I think you’re not upholding your end. She knows so much about the human body and pain. And she’d enjoy it. 

Bruce: I do not doubt that. 

Jane: Cool. Are you going to the symposium in Brussels? 

* * *

Darcy: I’m in. Should I bring anything? And it’s never too soon to have another date. We could go on 3 dates a day and I’d be thrilled. 

Bruce: You should just bring yourself. And possibly whichever lipstick you wanted to research next. 

Darcy: I’ll bring my lab notebook so I can record results. And if you’re really good, I’ll read to you from it. 

Bruce: Sounds good to me 

Darcy: I think you might have gotten redder than the lipstick we were testing when I was reading to you. 

Bruce: What can I say? I like the way you tell a story. 

Darcy: Thanks for breakfast this morning. 

Bruce: Thank *you* for pretending my eggs were good. 

* * *

To: starbridges@gmail.com, actuallyitsdr@gmail.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: So it happened 

Ladies, 

I might be a bit distracted at work the next several days as I now have excellent fantasy material based on real life experience to fill my mind. And if you think that sex is not something that should distract from work, you have not had it with one Dr. Bruce Banner. The dedication and attention to detail needed to get 7 PhDs all focused on you is….honestly, the stuff of legend. 

Also, I’ll be late today. I am writing this from a desperately needed restorative bath. The Hulk is HUNG, ladies. 

D 

* * *

Tony: Think I’m gonna have to write you up, Bruce 

Bruce: For what? 

Tony: I clocked you at over an hour late, mister. You know what that means. 

Bruce: Tony 

Tony: First, it’s a textual warning. That’s what this is 

Bruce: Tony 

Tony: After two textual warnings, well… that’s a demerit 

Bruce: TONY stop. 

Tony: I know, I know. I never thought we’d be having this conversation either. With you halfway to a demerit already. For shame. 

Bruce: I swear to Thor Almighty if you don’t stop this 

Tony: I’m just playin’. Tell Darcy ‘thank you’, you’re super chill now 

* * *

Darcy: Ummm...I know I got here late, but did I miss you bringing me flowers? 

Bruce: I had them delivered. I just guessed what you’d like, because I don’t think we’ve had any floral or botanical conversations yet? 

Darcy: First of all: amazing. I love them. Second: is there a reason why? Like...did I forget an anniversary or something? 

Bruce: I wanted to do something nice? Is that a reason? If not, then the reason is you’re wonderful? Also you have no plants on your desk. I definitely noticed that. 

Darcy: I’ve never gotten flowers from a guy before. So kudos to you for being legit the best guy I’ve ever dated. 

Darcy: Just so you’re aware, Helen and Jane both know. You know, in case they give you A Look at the meeting today. 

Bruce: The best? I don’t know about the best. I literally broke Harlem once. 

Bruce: That’s fair. Tony guessed the second I walked into the lab. Are you coming to the meeting as well? 

Darcy: I was going to come, but now I’m worried about what shenanigans Tony might pull if we’re both there. 

Darcy: They might be worse if I’m not there. I can’t do that to you. 

Darcy: Also YES. The BEST. Deal with it. 

* * *

To: tony@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Lay Off 

Scrap Heap, 

Heard you were razzing Bruce about me. Don’t you have anything better to do? Is your own personal life so boring you need to live vicariously through his? 

D 

* * *

To: jfoster@starkindustries.com, hcho@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Happy Dance 

Did you see the flowers he sent me? Aren’t they the nicest? 

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com, jfoster@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Smells like success 

I can’t believe you got flowers for being a good lay. Kudos to you girl. 

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com, hcho@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Ummm, friends? 

Shouldn’t we be paying attention to this meeting? 

* * *

To: jfoster@starakindustries.com, delewis@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: NO 

Why would we listen to this bullshit? Seriously. I swear we only have these meetings so men can feel better about themselves. If I needed to call a meeting for something this stupid I’d consider myself a failure. 

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Lay off? More like LAID off… wait, no yeah, I’m keeping that 

Shrimp, 

My own personal life is nunya, as would be yours if you and the Doc weren’t making googly eyes at each other from across the conference room and making the normally boring budget meeting into a morning-after-romcom-moment. 

Seriously, y’all need to chill or HR is gonna be the next one emailing you. 

On that note, you guys should probably tell HR. Just saying. As your boss and all. 

Those “scraps”, as you so lovingly refer to my inventions, fund your paycheck so shut it. 

-T 

* * *

Bruce: Tony, stop harassing Darcy or she’s going to cc Pepper 

Tony: She wouldn’t dare 

Tony: Would she? 

Tony: Tell her not to 

Tony: Bruce 

Tony: BRUCE, tell her not to 

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: I sent it 

Darcy, 

I sent the threat to Tony. Seems like it might have worked? I don’t know though, he’s pretty ostentatious, it might just aggravate things. 

P.S 

You want to have lunch later? 

Bruce 

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com, jfoster@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Get a room 

Hey Darce, you should maybe stop eye fucking your boyfriend across the room. It’s hot and all, and I definitely want to know more than the scant details in your email, but if I’ve noticed, you know others have. 

* * *

To: tony@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: bbanner@starkindustries.com 

Subject: Sexual Harassment Much? 

You know, it’s funny you say I should go to HR. Because while everyone seems to think I’m a bit of an airhead, I’ve actually got a good mind for rules because I like to circumvent them. There’s nothing like beating the patriarchy at its own game. And, as such, you better believe I’m aware of all the rules that relate to interoffice relationships. Bruce and I are not in a hierarchical position, and as such, there is no need for disclosure. He doesn’t have a wrangler. Remember that I asked you if he needed one, and you told me, “No. Bruce is above the law”? Anyway, what that means is that you’ve not only been harassing me by making comments about my sex life, but also you’re trying to get me to embarrass myself by announcing to a bunch of people that don’t know it that I’m sleeping with Dr. Banner. Which is a really strange thing for my boss to be doing. 

Wanna rethink that email? 

D 

* * *

To: bbanner@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Absolutely 

Lover, 

Yes. I’m totally in for lunch if this ridiculous meeting ever comes to a close. Thanks for sending the text. That along with the email that I bcc’d you on should make him a little stir crazy. 

D 

PS By any chance did you find my underwear anywhere? 

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Calm thyself, wench 

Darcy Eleanora Elaine Evangaline Lewis: (Okay so I don’t know your middle name), 

I’mma take a second here and back this up right on down the driveway so fast I’ll probably hit one of the garbage cans at the end of it, but it doesn’t matter because I’ve lost this metaphor. 

Regardless. If you’ll recall our previous exchanges, textual and otherwise, I am fully in support of you and Brucey doing whatever you guys want to do. I applaud you, and encourage you, in fact. 

Also, a few other points: 

  1. You, an airhead? Are you fucking serious? Like, seriously, are you serious right now? Who’s calling you an airhead? Do I need to crack some skulls? 
  2. I am hurt, nay--DEVASTATED to have been included in the patriarchy. Please list in detail what I can do to take my name off that list and I will gladly do all of the listed items in spades. 
  3. I would never seriously tell you to go out yourself to HR. Have I ever cared what those nerds do in regards to my interpersonal relationships? Maybe that wasn’t the best way to phrase that question, but I digress, which brings me to 
  4. I aM gOiNg To TyPe AlL mY sNaRkY eMaILs LiKe ThIs FrOm NoW oN sO yOu KnOw WhEn I aM kIdDiNg. 



T 

* * *

To: tony@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Riiiight 

If you want me to pretend you didn’t mean any of that, it will cost you. Here are my terms: 

  1. You will help me secure time off for both Bruce and I at the same time. 
  2. You will help me pick a suitable location to steal him away for a fully debauched weekend. 
  3. You will not comment on said weekend. 



I know #3 is a big ask for you, so here’s what I’m willing to offer in exchange for that little bit: I will provide you with 1 hour of no holds barred gossip session with me prior to our vacation 

Deal? 

* * *

To: delewis@starkindustries.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Deal 

(see subject line) 

Tony 

* * *

To: science@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: STOP 

Please quit emailing or texting or whatever each other and pay attention. 

* * *

To: science@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Re: STOP 

No. This is another meeting that should have been an email. There’s literally no reason to pay attention. 

Darcy 

* * *

To: science@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Re: Re: STOP 

But I wanted to discuss the award I recently won. 

Dr. Wesley Faber, PhD 

* * *

To: science@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Re: Re: Re: STOP 

[IMAGE OF captain Kirk saying ‘Shut up Wesley’] 

* * *

To: science@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: STOP 

Dr. Faber, 

We’ve noticed that your budgets have inconsistencies of the past several months. They don’t match up with the records Miss Lewis has provided. Does the award you won have a monetary component? You might owe it to us based on your financials. Please see the head of accounting ASAP. 

In fact, that goes for all of you. Check your budgets. Miss Lewis does a failsafe budget for each of you, and several of you have not been accurate when matched to hers. That’s literally the point of this meeting. 

* * *

To: science@starkindusties.com 

Cc: 

Bcc: 

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: STOP 

Congrats. You’ve effectively proven this meeting could have been an email. 

Slow clap, 

Darcy 

* * *

Bruce: Lunch was great, just got back to the lab and I kind of wish we’d just taken the day off 

Darcy: Oh? What would you like to do with the rest of the day if not work in your lab? 

Bruce: Not to sound too incredibly boring, but I sort of just want to hang out a little more? I feel bad that we had to rush off this morning. 

Darcy: You know I don’t mean that to have been a one off, right? I’d like us to have more nights and mornings together. 

Bruce: I had hoped/assumed, but it is nice to have the assurance just the same. I didn’t intend for it to be a one off either. However, I also don’t feel like working, so there’s that. 

Darcy: There’s a nice storage closet down the hall from your lab, you know. 

Bruce: I mean… I do all this yoga. Might as well test it out, right? 

Darcy: Look at you! You never would have been able to suggest that when you first emailed me. 

Darcy: Also, I very much want to see just what yoga has made you capable of. 

Bruce: I’d like to think I’ve had an outside influence. Not a bad influence, mind you. But an influence. 

Bruce: I would very much like to give you everything you want, especially when it’s something that promises to be a lot of fun. 

Darcy: You were certainly very giving last night. 😉 

Darcy: I’d certainly like to also give whatever you desire. Meet me there in 10? 

Bruce: I can be there in 7. 

Darcy: Eager. I like it. 

* * *

Phone emergency alert with text: FRIDAY says: please evacuate the building ASAP. No need to panic. You will receive a separate alert if panicking is necessary. Proceed to the nearest exit and get as far away from the building as possible without causing a panic. Panicking is not recommended at this time. 

Phone emergency alert with text: FRIDAY says: it is now appropriate to panic. Please proceed to panic safely and without causing harm to others around you. A safe panic is an internal one, but if you must externalize your reaction, please keep six feet away from all humans, animals, and mutants in your vicinity. 

Phone emergency alert with text: FRIDAY says: All clear. Please cease all panicking as there is no further cause for it. If you ignored both the other messages, feel free to ignore this one as well. 

* * *

Darcy: I know that you're basically indestructible, but I'd really like confirmation you're okay. 

Darcy: I thought maybe you were in debrief, but it's been an hour and you haven't even read my last message. 

Darcy: Okay...I've seen Sam and Clint. I didn't get to ask if they've seen you because they were hurrying off elsewhere but...I'm getting worried here, Bruce. 

Darcy: Bruce 

Darcy: Bruce 

Darcy: I'm not the kind to normally panic, but i've also never really had anyone to panic over before. But now I have you and I'm really fucking worried. Where are you? Are you okay??? 

Darcy: Please answer. I’m so worried. 

* * *

Darcy: I swear to Thor I'm buying the entire geology lab off brand everything. I'm sick of their attitudes. 

Jane: What’d they do? 

Darcy: You know how Dr. Lawrence is. He's forever acting like I'm his servant because I don't have a PhD. 

Jane: So the whole lab suffers? 

Darcy: He told the interns they're not allowed to talk to me because I'll waste their time and they all listened. 

Jane: I'm portaling the entire lab to a lava planet. 

Darcy: Love you too. 

Darcy: Hey, have you seen Bruce? I haven't been able to get ahold of him since the incident. 

Jane: Sorry, no. 

* * *

Helen: I'm telling you, he was dynamite in the sack. 

Darcy: I assume that means you'd let her set you up again? 

Helen: Hell yeah I would. Regular orgasms make me a better scientist. It's a fact. 

Darcy: As your wrangler, I can only encourage anything and everything that makes you science better. 

Helen: Goodness knows Foster isn't bringing the goods to girl's night. Someone has to have wild sex to share with the group. It's really all about me being a good friend. 

Helen: Though now we can hope you've got the goods to share too. 

Darcy: Maybe I don't want to kiss and tell. 

Helen: In that case: congrats on being in love and thus boring. 

Darcy: Hey, have you seen Bruce? Or maybe heard anything in the med bay? 

Helen: No. But I was busy with Bucky, so someone else might have dealt with him. Sorry babe. 

* * *

Darcy: Please tell me you know where Bruce is and how he is doing. 

Darcy: He’s not answering my texts, and Jane and Helen haven’t seen him. 

Tony: Yeah, his phone got Doom’d. That’s what we’re calling it. 

Tony: He’s resting. Had to let the Other Guy out. Didn’t really have a choice. Didn’t someone notify you? 

Darcy: No. I haven’t heard anything in hours. I’ve been looking all over and trying to find someone to tell me what happened. 

Darcy: Not going to lie. I was about to just cry in bed until I passed out. 

Tony: God, I’m sorry, Pipsqueak. I’ll take the blame for this one. I’m going to write a macro to notify you immediately in the future. I’ve already got a new phone ready for him, you can swing by and grab it if you want? Take it up to him? Wait for him to wake up? You can also stay down here and yell at me until you feel better, if you want. I’m really sorry, Darce. 

Darcy: It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. I just was so insanely worried that he was hurt and alone somewhere. I...I’m not sure what I would do without him. 

Darcy: I’ll be by for the phone. And maybe a hug. If you’re willing. Maybe even if you’re not, but I don't want you to tell HR on me. 

Tony: Absolutely. To all of it. We’ll keep it hush hush. 😉 

Darcy: I owe you. 

Tony: I think I owed you for at least a dozen other occasions, so we’ll just say it’s an even ten now. 

Darcy: Tony, I think I’m in love with him. 

Tony: Duh doy 

Tony: You told him that? 

Darcy: I just realized it. 

Tony: And you’re telling me first? I’m honored, of course, but not much I can do with that information other than definitely approve any vacation time you guys might need to take in the future. 

Darcy: And, I assume, close out the betting pool? 

Darcy: But also, I’m scared. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? 

Tony: LOL there is no betting pool. What are you even talking about. A betting pool. That’s a good one. I definitely did not win. 

Tony: Why are you scared of a dweeby scientist who has clearly been head over heels for you since you replied to his email? The only thing to be legitimately scared of is *maybe* the Other Guy, but he’s probably going to love you too, so, I mean. 

Tony: Woman up, D. 

Darcy: I don’t think anyone’s ever loved me for me, so I’m prepared for him to break my heart here. Even my mom only likes that she can tell stories about how her daughter once met Thor. 

Darcy: But you’re right. I’m not a coward, so I’ll suck it up and tell him and let the cards fall where they may. I know FRIDAY has my emergency ice cream order ready to go if I need it. 

Darcy: How much did you totally not win? 

Tony: 1. Want me to make your mom sign an NDA? I have scary lawyers. 2. Bruce is lactose intolerant, so make it soy ice cream. He’ll want to eat it off you, probably. 3. Numbers aren’t important and I didn’t win. (It wasn’t money, Nat has to scare a few people for me) 

Darcy: 1. There’s no point. She’d just break it and I don’t want her to be destitute because her mouth is larger than mine. 2. My order is for coconut ice cream...think he’d still like that? I mean...there are real possibilities here that I hadn’t considered. Do you have any idea how dexterous his fingers are? And his stupid perfect mouth? And his need for me to get lipstick all over him? WHY IS HE PERFECT? 3. I like it. Use it well. 

Tony: You can’t see me right now, but I’m covering my eyes so I don’t have to see the explicit details of this text. Come get this phone and go talk to Bruce before I throw *my* phone out the window. 

Darcy: Thanks for being a good friend. I’ll be there in 5. 

Darcy: But seriously...is the coconut ice cream okay? 

Tony: I’m screenshotting just that last bit where you said I was a good friend. To prove it whenever I invariably do something to piss you off in the future. And yes. Coconut’s fine. He’s got no aversion to coconut. 

Darcy: 😘 

* * *

To: NOTasha@starkindustries.com 

Cc: w31rdsc13nce@starkindustries.com, bombpop@starkindustries.com , mr.freeze@starkindustries.com, cawcawmf@starkindustries.com, ichooseu@starkindustries.com, starbridges@gmail.com, actuallyitsdr@gmail.com 

Bcc: 

Subject: I’m calling it 

Yeah, so it’s definitely over. He got a SnapChat at her behest. He’s completely in for the long haul. I’ve never seen him voluntarily get a social media account before. So it’s time to PAY UP FOLKS. 

That means Nat, you owe me a few scary-scares. 

Buck, you owe Clint arrows. Whatever that means, I assume you will work that out amongst yourselves. 

Dr. Strangelove, you owe the lovely Drs. Foster and Cho spa days 

And Cap, you owe Thor… one silver dollar? Seriously? That was your bet? 

Anyway, it’s officially over. I fully expect them to be shacking up within the year. If you guys are interested in opening up another pool, reply to this email with your offers. 

Thanks, and have a good one 

Tony 

* * *

SnapChat image of a coffee cup that says: Love you D. Thanks for the coffee. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much, you guys! Hope you liked it! <3 Let us know in the comments which was your favorite part!
> 
> (Chapter 2 is just going to be the entire fic in text format just in case we have any visually impaired readers who need that)


End file.
